


When you leave

by julilolil



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:01:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26707894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julilolil/pseuds/julilolil
Summary: Lucas has been hiding his fears for way too long.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 4
Kudos: 76





	When you leave

**Author's Note:**

> so, this was my first fic ever and only now that i've created an ao3 account i'm posting it here, but the response on tumblr was so incredible it kept me writing more, so thank you to everyone that's read it, i really can't thank you enough <3

“Since the moment I met you I’m just waiting for the day you’ll walk out of the door.” Lucas finally relents, looking at the floor. He can’t see Eliott but he knows that in the second the words came out of his mouth the boy deflated. He knows he probably looks so tiny and Lucas hates himself for causing it. 

“Wh-What?” Eliott’s voice is so small it is barely a whisper. Lucas finally looks at him, eyes big, pleading. Eliott looks defeated, eyes red from holding back tears, eyebrows creased, probably not so different from how Lucas himself looks. “Lucas what do you mean?” His voice is so pained that Lucas bites his lips as not to cry. He takes a deep breath and lets himself get lost in the grey-blue wonder, gaining courage to speak. To finally let out the fear that has been eating him from inside out since he laid his eyes on Eliott. That has been tainting each and every moment they spend together, the voice on the back of his head on a loop _do you really think you are enough? Look at him, you could never be enough._

He looks away. “Everybody leaves, Eliott.” He manages to say it with certainty, his voice strong, shurruging as if it were nothing, but when he looks at the boy he loves again, he feels his throat closing and his next words come out as an uneven breath. “One day you will leave too.” Eliott looks frozen in place, he stares at Lucas with clear confusion. And, really, he looks so pretty it hurts, the sun against his skin makes it golden, he is shining, very own sunshine on the face of earth. He looks so pretty that it almost makes Lucas forget his fears. Almost.

He just wants to get this over with, it took long enough for him to open up about this, months of Eliott kindly asking if there was something bothering him, that he would always be there for Lucas, no matter what. And so he finally said what it was. It has already been one moment too long. He just want to forget about this and go back to touching Eliott, hugging him, kissing him, like they were doing before - obviously - Lucas messed it all up by looking distressed and Eliott, being the perfect human being that he is, stopped everything to ask him what was going on.

“Yeah, I guess that’s it. I already learnt how to live with it. I’m sorry for ruining the mood.” Lucas starts moving from his half-sitting position on the table to go to the cupboard and start preparing breakfast, but he is intercepted by Eliott’s hand on his forearm.

“No, no, no, Lucas. Look at me.” His voice is grave, deep, but ever so loving. Lucas can’t bring his eyes up, he knows he will fall apart, Eliott always sees right through him. “Lucas, please, mon amour, look at me.” He gently grabs Lucas’ chin, lifting it up and their gazes meet. Lucas wants to get lost in his eyes all over again and when Eliott cups his face with warm hands Lucas has to close his own eyes to appreciate this moment of peace. He opens them when Eliott caresses the skin right under his eyes, drying tears he hadn’t even realized had fallen. He is met with green-blue paradise, Eliott’s face barely centimeters away from his. His warmth fighting against the constant cold inside Lucas, his light filling each and every millimeter of his skin. Lucas just wants to let go. It is so tiring, being afraid. Maybe if he just let go… “Lucas, listen to me.”

His voice is so calm and loving that Lucas wants to drown in it. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, then nods. Eliott gives a reassuring kiss on Lucas’ forehead before he starts speaking. “I chose to love you, Lucas. And it is something that I choose each and every day. Hell, it’s something that I choose every minute!” He lets go of Lucas, moving his arms with intensity while he speaks. “And I know for a fact that it is the greatest choice that I ever made. To have you, here, with me, it is more than I could have asked for. It is all I ever wanted.” Lucas feels his eyes prickling, a ghost of a smile on his lips, but that voice is still there on the back of his head, the same terrifying loop _that’s what he says now, but give him a couple more months, see if he still has the same to say._ And all the love, all the warmth that was slowly filling him seem to vanish. He shakes his head, and closes his eyes, letting some tears spill.

“You say that now, Eliott.” He looks at the spot where Eliott’s feet meet the ground, too afraid to see the look on his face. “Nobody plans to leave, they just do. It’s just like one day you’ll wake up and you will realize that you don’t love me anymore. And so you will leave. And I’ll be left alone again.” He feels the tears burning through his cheeks and he hates himself for being so weak. “I guess I couldn’t even blame you.” He sees Eliott’s feet moving and then he is there, holding him, caressing his hair and Lucas’ face deep in his chest. He wants to let go, he really does, but this time not even Eliott’s warmth is enough to break through his shattered self.

“Hey, baby, it’s okay.” Eliott whispers against his hair, kissing every inch of it. “I’m here, _mon amour_.” And it only makes him cry more. “I’m here.” Lucas melts to his embrace ever so slightly before looking up to meet his eyes, which definitely have lost some of it’s brightness and it makes Lucas want to cry even more.

“It really is okay, Eliott. Even my fucking father left, I couldn’t really expect much from anyone else.” Lucas hates bringing his father up, hates admitting that he is broken, in great part, because of him, hates that after almost two years, it still makes him cry. He hates being this helpless fragile child. It is as if nothing ever changed, he is frozen in the body of a broken sixteen year old. It looks like something clicked in Eliott’s eyes, the brightness in them returning at each passing second.

“Except I’m am not anyone else.” It doesn’t sound, even in the slightest bit, accusatory. He says like everything finally fell into place, like he completed an almost impossible puzzle. “I’m Eliott, the guy who loves you, the guy who fell in love with your music, who ran away with you from a date only to kiss you, who had sex with you against a fucking mural, who opened up to you, who kissed you at each single possible moment, who moved in with you, who loves you so fucking much.” Lucas feels the tears stop, all the sadness being taken over by this incommensurable love, and he want to roll his eyes at Eliott so badly for being this sappy and stupid, but he can’t help but smile and slowly accept the warmth that is pumping through his veins once more.

“You already said the guy who loves me.” Lucas can’t help himself and Eliott lets out a snort, rolling his eyes and taking his hands up to Lucas’ shoulders.

“Not the fucking point, Lucas.” He says stroking Lucas’ hair with the tip of his fingers, with a shiny smile on his face. “The point is that I chose all of this. I want this with every single cell in my body. I want you. More than anything I have ever wanted. And I’ve said it but I’ll say it as much times as you need to hear, I will choose to love you forever. In every universe.” Lucas can’t help but let tears fall again, but now they are happy tears, he lets his face fall to Eliott’s chest and fills his lungs with the smell he loves so much. “And not everyone is your father, Lucas.” He whispers in Lucas’ ear. “There are so many people that love you. And just like me, they will continue to love you for as long as they are here.” Lucas smiles, meeting Eliott’s gaze, but shakes his head.

“No one could ever be like you, Eliott.” He whispers and links their lips, finally accepting all the light Eliott has to give him. “Thank you, _mon amour_.” He whispers in between kisses. Eliott moves his head slightly away, still cupping Lucas’ face.

“You said _minute par minute_?” Lucas smiles at the memory coming back to him and nods. “Well then, we will live _minute par minute_ and I will love you every single minute I have for the rest of my life.”

“I love you, Eliott. So much.” He lets his tears fall once more. And Eliott is right there to dry them all up. He wants to say so much more, he wishes he could have the beauty of words, just like Eliott, but when he is met with achingly perfect lips, a tight embrace on his lower back, and a _you don’t have to say anything_ , Lucas knows that Eliott gets it. He will always get it.

“Now go back to bed and soon I will take you breakfast.” Lucas nods and Eliott gives him one last reassuring kiss. A kiss that says all the unsaid, that makes Lucas really believe that not everyone has to leave, that loving is a choice and Eliott has chosen him. And he can only hope that it says to Eliott that if one day Lucas can give back all the love he has received from him, he will be the happiest man alive.

So as he lays back on their bed, warmth still spreading through the mattress, Lucas finally realizes that maybe not being afraid isn’t all that scary.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading :)  
> my tumblr: lololil


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